


When Your Heart Wears Thin

by lucianowriter



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: AU ending re-write, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, talks of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 12:56:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19426435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucianowriter/pseuds/lucianowriter
Summary: What if Todd had realized something was fishy with Mr. Perry after the play? How would the night have ended? This is my re-write of that.The song Beside You by Marianas Trench inspired this fic.





	When Your Heart Wears Thin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [deathbysandblk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathbysandblk/gifts).



> I want to thank E so much for inspiring me to begin writing for this fandom. I have been a secret AnderPerry shipper since I found out what shipping meant. I never knew anyone else who shared my love of them. She does and supports me in other fandoms so it's only fair that I thank her tremendously for this fic wouldn't exist without her.
> 
> Also, this is far from my last fic for these beautiful boys! I love them so much and I am working on a whole universe for them.

_ "Tomorrow I'm withdrawing you from Welton and enrolling you in Brighton Military School. You're going to Harvard and you're going to be a doctor." _

_ "That's ten more years! Father, that's a lifetime!" _

_ "Stop it! Don't be so dramatic you make it sound like a prison term. You don't understand, Neil. You have opportunities that I never even dreamt of. And I'm not going to let you --" _

_ "I've got to tell you what I feel!" _

_ "What? Tell me what you feel." _

Neil looks straight at his father as he contemplates his next move. He wants to Carpe Diem as Mr. Keating taught them, but in front of his father seizing the moment is daunting. He wishes he could just tell his father that acting was a reasonable pursuit and one that gave him happiness beyond measure. What about his friends? Leaving Welton would mean leaving them behind and Neil couldn't imagine a world without them in it. At least not a world he'd enjoy. And then there was Todd. The mild and meek-mannered boy who has been his source of hidden joy for months now. 

If only he could tell his father that the emotions he feels for Todd are other-worldly and make him feel like he could do anything, even suffer through the schooling to become a doctor. But he can't seem to form any of those thoughts into words. Just as he opens his mouth to say something, anything the phone rings.

His father turns from him to answer it. Neil knows that even though his father's voice doesn't show it, he is angry for receiving a call at such an hour. 

"Meeks is it? I feel you must know Neil isn't coming back to Welton. I'll let you speak to him just this once to say your goodbyes." Mr. Perry states matter-of-factly before handing the receiver to Neil.

Neil took the receiver from his father. The elder man's words ringing in his head; hammering the final nail in his coffin. Neil was never going to see his friends again. He'd never feel alive again.

"Hey Meeks," Neil mumbles into the phone, his eyes never once leaving his father's.

"Neil, your father said you aren't coming back. Is that true?" The voice that rings out isn't Meeks' but Todd's.

"Yes. I need to focus more on the road towards becoming a doctor." Neil watches as his father's demeanor changes to that of satisfaction at his words.

"Charlie said he could hotwire the Assistant Principal's car. Just say the word and we are there." Neil could practically hear the bravery building in Todd's voice. 

"Nuwanda" Neil replies with a subtly defiant look towards his father and he hangs up.

Neil quietly places the receiver back on the phone base. Without a word to his father, he begins to walk towards his room. Even though he knew his friends were coming for him he didn't feel any better.

Sure running away helps him escape his father's iron fist for now. What happens when his father finds him again -- and he will. Surely his father will be even more severe. 

Neil knew he'd never escape the expectations and pressures of his father. What's even the point? 

He closes his bedroom door and immediately starts grabbing clothes and things. He has a knapsack that he can use. His best suitcase is still at Welton under his bed there. Before this year, Neil would've never had the guts to defy his father like this. He'd also never had an elder tell him he could like Mr. Keating had.

His whole life he'd been told to follow orders and keep his head down like a good son. Duty to his father above all else. Even when he saw how miserable that mantra made his mother he never questioned it. Then came  _ carpe diem _ and The Dead Poets Society. He'd thought that if he did what he wanted and showed his father how good he was things would change. 

Instead, he's packing his things and walking away from the only home he's ever known. 

Just as he is second-guessing his decision and coming up with a more permanent alternative, Neil sees headlights on the road. As they approach the house they suddenly shut off. Neil knows that it's Charlie and Todd. The thought of Todd's shy but eager face spurs him to grab the last of his things and escape out his bedroom window.

He rounds up on the reliable black car well known around Welton. Charlie grins at him from the front seat. Todd immediately scrambles out of the passenger side and throws his arms around Neil in a hug. Neil is taken aback, but quickly recovers and wraps his arms around Todd as well.

"Hate to break up this lovefest, but I'm terrified of Mr. Perry. Let's get out of here." Charlie motions for them to get back in the car. Neil expects Todd to get back in the front but instead, the kid follows him into the back seat. Neil holds back a smile.

"Also, fantastic use of Nuwanda, Neil." Charlie praises as he shifts the car away from Neil's house.

"My other choice was carpe diem and you know my dad knows Latin. We'd be screwed. Thanks, Charlie." Neil sighs and leans back against the seat. His leg rests against Todd's, but neither boy moves to give the other space.

"Thank Todd. After you left he told Keating that something seemed off about the whole situation." Charlie responds, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Mr. Keating didn't believe me. Said your father was supportive." Todd chimes in. "So I went to Charlie. I knew he'd believe."

"I told Anderson here that I'd met your father. Once he finished telling me his concerns I immediately called a meeting of the Dead Poets." Charlie made a turn into a gas station before parking the car and turning it off. "Now, where am I taking you? Welton will be his first stop, can't go there."

"Oh yeah. I didn't think that far ahead. I do have a cousin an hour away who'd be willing to help. He's the last place my father would look." Neil leans forward. Todd not wanting to break contact, places his hand on Neil's back and gently draws little designs.

"If he's your cousin wouldn't that be one of the first places?" Charlie looks skeptical but knows he can trust his best friend.

"No. Brad was disowned a couple of years ago. He dropped out of medical school and became a writer. His father, my dad's brother, was so angry we were never allowed to mention him in his presence ever again." Neil leans back which cocoons Todd's hand behind him.

A sadness falls over Neil as he thinks about Brad. He knows that he'll never be welcomed in his family again. While he's mostly okay with that his mother crosses his mind. Neil is her baby, her pride and joy. When his dad isn't around she lets him go on and on about the things that invigorate him. She's going to be devastated. 

He leans over and scrunches down. His head falls into Todd's chest. The steady thump of Todd's heart eases his mind a little bit. He feels Todd's arm skip around his back and pull him in closer. They have never discussed their feelings let alone come anywhere close to physical comfort of any kind. And yet, this felt as natural as breathing.

In the front, Charlie doesn't say a word beyond getting the address for Neil's cousin.

The rest of the drive was uneventful. In fact, Neil manages to fall asleep on Todd. Neither Todd nor Charlie wants to wake him up because they both knew he needed the rest. It gave Todd time to stew over everything. There was clearly something bothering Neil. Something must have happened with his father that Neil didn't feel like talking about yet. 

When they turned onto Neil's cousin's street, Todd ran his hand gently through Neil's hair to wake up the teen. Neil blinks awake slowly, taking in his surroundings. He smiles when his eyes land on Todd. Still not fully awake he nuzzles in closer to the boy.

"We're at your cousin's house." Todd's voice is barely above a whisper.

"I'm not going in with you guys. I gotta get this back to campus before Nolan realizes it's missing. And someone has to be there to cover for your ass, Anderson." Charlie jokes. 

After Todd and Neil leave the car, Charlie thinks twice before climbing out as well. He pulls his best friend into a rare hug. It seemed final in a way.

"Take care of yourself, Perry."

"You too, Nuwanda." Neil's eyes brim with tears threatening to fall. It had been a night and Neil was feeling overwhelmed by it all.

The two part ways and Neil takes Todd's hand as they walked towards the front door. He knows that Charlie won't drive off until he knows the two of them are safe. 

Neil bites his lip as they approach the front door. He hasn't seen Brad since Christmas 3 years ago. Neil was just about to start Year 9 and he didn't understand why everyone was mad at his favorite cousin.

A light flickers on in the front room moments after Todd pushes the doorbell. A few seconds later the door opens to reveal a tired looking Brad. His hair is as rumpled as his pajamas. At first, he doesn't seem to understand what he is seeing. Then his brain seems to wake up and he recognizes Neil.

"Neil?!" Brad can't quite figure out what to make of the situation before him.

"Hey." Neil's voice is meek and unsteady. "Could we crash here tonight. It's not safe for me to be at Welton." 

"Of course. Come in!" Neil is so grateful that Brad has always been the type of person who acts first, ask questions later.

The three of them enter the front room and Neil practically collapses on the couch. His face looks haggard and drawn. Todd knows that he won't be up for talking right now. There are so many questions running through his head, as he's sure there are in Brad's.

"You wanna explain what happened?" Brad is gentle and kind in his delivery.

"Neil was in a play tonight. His father found out." Todd supplies. 

Brad looks from his cousin to Todd. He looks Todd up and down before speaking.

"Say no more. If anyone knows what Neil's father is like it's me." Brad moves away from the front room towards another room at the back. 

"I have an extra bedroom for anytime a friend needs a place to crash. Neil can sleep there."

Brad returns to the front room laden with blankets. He looks at Todd again, "I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"Todd Anderson. I'm Neil's roommate at Welton." Todd puts out his hand for a shake. But then thinks better of it when he remembers Brad is holding blankets.

"Can Todd share the room with me?" Neil's voice comes out dejected and broken. Todd's heart aches to make his friend feel better.

"Well. I. I guess I don't see a problem with that." Brad drops the blankets on the couch and nervously runs a hand through his hair. 

Todd grabs Brad by the arm and leads him towards the hall.

"I don't know what happened with his dad tonight. I didn't ask. But I've never seen Neil like this. He's not okay right now. Please." Todd doesn't stutter once which he chalks off to Neil always believing in him and what he had to say.

Brad doesn't respond. He simply nods. Todd gives him a look of gratitude and goes to gather up Neil and his things.

The two quickly and quietly settle into the guest room. If Brad suspected anything about them he didn't speak it out loud. Instead, he just told them where the bathroom is and where he'd be if they needed anything.

Neil sits unresponsive on the bed. He's still in his Welton coat and sweater and pants. Todd nudges him to get into some pajamas. Neil looks up at him, his eyes grey and glassy. Todd is terrified. Neil has never looked like this before.

So, Todd does the only thing he can do. He helps Neil change his clothes. They don't say a word between them. When they are done, Todd urges Neil to lay down.

Neil lay in silence next to Todd. They had yet to talk about anything that had just transpired. Neil knew that he had to be completely honest with Todd, but he wasn't sure where to start. Then Todd speaks up.

"You were mesmerizing tonight," Todd whispers. Neil imagines if he could see Todd's face there would be a slight blush to it.

"It was the greatest I'd ever felt. It was like I was flying. And then my dad." Neil can't even finish the statement he started. The tears begin to flow.

Todd slips his hand in Neil's. "If your dad can't see how great you are it's his loss."

Neil's anguish comes out in a strangled sob at Todd's words. "I was resigned to end it all before you called. Even now I'm still not sure it's worth it." 

"How's this for worth it?" Todd's question doesn't make sense at first. In fact, Neil is about to question him when he feels the boy beside him shift.

Then Todd is above him and he has released his hand from Neil's in order to prop himself up. His free hand reaches out to gently caress Neil's face. He wipes away the stray tears. Then before Neil can react Todd's lips are pressed up against his. 

The kiss is like nothing he ever could've imagined and everything all at once. He feels like he did back on that stage hours ago when everyone was standing and clapping for him. Todd made him feel free; like he could be anyone he wanted to be.

"I will always lift you up. You're always worth it, Neil. Every second." Todd whispers as they pull away from the kiss.

The two laid there in silence. Neither one was sure what to say. Neil knows that he has to tell Todd what he was thinking. After a kiss like that and all that Todd has done Neil owes him a little honesty.

"So, that kiss," Neil whispers, not daring to look at the boy beside him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. You were so broken it tore my heart apart." Todd whispers back, he grabs Neil's hand once more.

"Don't apologize. Before my dad showed up tonight I was going to ask you on a date. Then I didn't think you deserved me." Neil sighs. 

"Neil, I'm only going to say this once so please listen. You aren't worthless, you are worth more than anything else in this world. You heard me when no one else would. You never judged me for my silence. It's the best feeling in the world."

"I think that's the most I've ever heard you speak." Neil tries his hand at a joke, but his voice fails to be cheerful.

"Shut up, Perry." Todd turns on his side and pulls Neil against him. Neil also turns onto his side so that they fit together better.

"Please don't leave." Neil's voice breaks.

"Never." Todd sighs.

"You'll have to tomorrow. You can't just drop out." Neil adds his voice heavy with sleep.

"I'll never leave  _ you _ ." Todd reiterates empathetically.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments to help me believe that this life is worth pursuing. Please let me know what you think!


End file.
